If the culmination of
last week’s election has created a void in your life, an
empty spot where righteous protest used to exist, let me
suggest an area of grievance you may not have considered.
Outdoor barbecue grills.
In Florida, residents of a Clearwater adults-only condo
community are leading the way on this, taking to the streets
with signs that say “Let us die in peace.”
Words, by the way, that would also make an excellent state
motto.
The issue is the enforcement of National Fire Protection
Code 10.10.6.1, which states that “no hibachi, grill, or
other similar devices used for cooking, heating, or any
other purpose shall be used or kindled on any balcony, under
any overhanging portion, or within 10 feet of any
structure.”
That code is being used by the condo management at On Top of
the World condos, a sprawling complex of 91 two- and
three-story condominiums, to inform the nearly 10,000
residents there to permanently remove their outdoor barbecue
grills.
“This affects a lot of people, about a thousand grills,”
resident and grill owner Salvatore Betti told me.
Betti said he has no problem with second- and third-story
unit owners being prohibited from grilling on their narrow
balconies, but he and the other ground-floor grillers should
be able to sear their meats in peace because they can move
their grills more than 10 feet away from their doors.
“I grill three, four times a week,” he said. “And with COVID,
nobody wants to eat out, so it’s more important.”
So, Betti and his neighbors have been taking to the street
corners with signs of protest. Which must be really
confusing for the passing traffic.
“A lot of people don’t understand,” he said. “We’re not
against the fire code.”
They’re just against the tyranny of an oppressive condo
government.
Step aside Thomas Paine. Florida has Thomas Propane.
I think I can help the budding barbecue grill protesters.
First of all, they need to think beyond getting into the
community’s monthly newspaper, the “On Top of the World
News.”
Rather than tackle this barbecue issue, the condo
community’s newspaper devoted the front page of the November
issue to the results of a Halloween pet costume contest,
which for the first time, was done online-only.
Yes, there were issues. (And I’m not just talking about how
Daisy, the Shih Tzu in the UPS driver’s outfit, didn’t make
the front-page gallery.)
“During the process of voting, the contest Website was
overwhelmed with an unexpected high number of votes,” the
story said. “Voters were only allowed to vote one time per
household, but because of a web design flaw from voter
turnout, some people were allowed to vote more than once.”
Russian elkhound interference?
And in other community news, line dancing was done on Zoom.
The barbecue grilling political activists will have a hard
time breaking through this wall of aimless entertainment
unless they get better organized.
Perhaps, come up with a catchy, political name. Call
themselves the T-Bone Party or Bar-B-Qanon.
Then get a battle flag: Maybe a snakelike string of Italian
sausage links with the words “Don’t Tread on Meat.”
It might also be helpful to burn something in public. They
should already have plenty of lighter fluid.
From there, they need to create an online community with a
vast, shadowy world of outdoor grilling zealots on the World
Wide Weber.
They will become allies who create content about things like
“clean charcoal,” while also organizing financial, legal and
emotional support.
Once established, it will be easy to create false narratives
while spreading fear and disinformation.
Blame the outdoor grilling crackdown on the powerful Big
Microwave lobby.
“First they come for your grills, then they come for your
pressure cookers, and from there it’s just a short jump to
taking away your skillets.”
Or maybe it’s George Soros’ funded vegans who are behind
this? Make America Grill Again.
There’s no shortage of conspiracy theories and
misinformation that can be created over the grill ban.
“This whole thing just came out of the blue,” Betti said.
We know, Mr. Betti. And we’ve got your flip side.