Copyright 2002 A special report by the ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH Posted 10/19/2002 After more than 50 years as man and wife,
living together in the same house, bearing a son and raising him, Lawrence
and Virgie Carroll all but shared each breath. They walked together in
Handy Park, read Scripture and attended church regularly, listened to their
favorite old jazz recordings and entertained
Mark Carroll first noticed that something didn't seem quite right with his mother on the day he wed Lisa Holten in late spring 1997. At the outdoor reception, Virgie, dressed in a simple beige frock, sipped lemonade beneath a shade tree. "I noticed that she was there but wasn't there. It was like she was in a fog," Mark said. "I remember Lisa saying 'Is your mother OK?' " What started as confusion led to the occasional inability to complete sentences. After about two months of wondering whether something was wrong with his wife, Lawrence took Virgie to the doctor. The diagnosis: dementia. Three years later, a new diagnosis: Alzheimer's. Last year, another disease was added: Parkinson's. Over the past few months, the Alzheimer's has stolen her mind. The Parkinson's has ravaged her body. "Stand up, baby. Come on with daddy," coaxes Lawrence, 77, his arm around Virgie's shoulder as he tries to get her down the stairs to start their day. Virgie, 75, moves slowly. Her 115-pound body hangs on to her husband, just 20 pounds heavier, for balance. Her husband clings to the hope that a new drug from Germany might slow the progression. He wants his spirited wife back, the one he affectionately called "Ironsides." Lawrence remembers his "girl" as the woman who water-skied at their summer home at Lake of the Ozarks, who was one solo flight short of getting her private pilot's license, who taught kindergarten for 38 years, who played the piano at church and who loved the old Negro spirituals. And he prays for her return. But her son is eyeing a different version of the future. He has already been exploring alternatives. On a friend's recommendation, Mark tours a nursing home near Tower Grove Park. At 43, Mark is uneasy becoming the parent to his parents, but he takes comfort in the planning. "Mother talked to me all the time about aging," Mark says. "She would say that 'if I get ill and you need to put me in a home, you do what's best.' She was very comfortable with her mortality." Mark knows it is only a matter of time before calamity will strike. It hits first on a morning last spring. Virgie falls. Two days later, when Lawrence brings her to the adult day-care center she normally attends, staff members notice that she seems lethargic. They dial 911. An ambulance picks up Virgie and carries her to the emergency room, where doctors conclude that her new medicine needs adjustment. Since she is weak and can't walk, an ambulance also takes her home. Paramedics carry her upstairs to her bed. Lawrence hovers. "If Mother (Virgie) and God decided today is her last day, I'm OK with that," he says, watching the ambulance leave his driveway. "I'm trying to do the right thing. All I can ask is for the Lord to help me." Two weeks later, on a Friday, Virgie falls down the stairs. And — if a few bruises are any indication — Lawrence tumbles down a couple with her. Not one to complain, he picks her up, brushes her off, and takes Virgie to day-care as usual. This time, staff members notice a bump on Virgie's head. They call Mark, who picks her up at day care and takes her to the hospital. This was it as far as he was concerned. With his mother in the hospital for observation, Mark spends the next three days lining up her future at Beauvais Manor on the Park, a nursing home at South Grand Boulevard and Magnolia Avenue. On Tuesday, Mark tells a social worker to have an ambulance take Virgie to her new home. "We're giving her the best care she deserves," says a weary Mark after spending the long weekend bouncing between Virgie's hospital room and taking care of his newborn son, Julian. Nearby, Lawrence sits silently in his son's office, head and shoulders bent forward, fingers clasped. Mark glances at his father and back at his computer screen as he works to finish a project. Then he looks back at his father again, remembering how carefully Lawrence had put Virgie's hat on her head, purse on her arm, earrings on her earlobes and lipstick on her lips. "There are a lot of folks out there that say they love their loved ones, but not many who go as far as Daddy's gone," Mark says. While Lawrence is missing Virgie on the
first Sunday that he attends the Westminster Presbyterian Church without
her, he has something to look forward to.
Lawrence's remarkable tenor is strong and steady as he sings, "His Eye is on the Sparrow." The words of the old hymn seem today to have a special meaning: "Whenever clouds arise . . . When hope within me dies . . . I draw closer to Him . . . His eye is on the sparrow . . . And I know He cares for me." The service ends. Lawrence walks down the stairs from the choir loft into the warm embrace of congratulations from friends. Conversation quickly turns to Virgie. Lawrence explains that she went into the nursing home last week. "She's doing as well as can be expected," he says. Perhaps one Sunday, he'll pick her up and bring her back to church, to the place where his son walked down the aisle five years earlier. He is hopeful. But now he paces uneasily at a coffee and cake reception after the morning service. He obviously wants to be somewhere else. He does not stay long. A quick ride home is followed by an equally brisk change of clothes. His suit and tie give way to shorts, shirt and his ever-present ball cap. He points his Honda to the east and heads for Beauvais Manor, where he's wanted to be all day. Lawrence is going to see his bride.
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