FLORIDA-FRIENDLY LANDSCAPING? HAVING FUN? |
Opinion By Jan Bergemann Published March 1, 2015
But since laws obviously haven't changed their minds yet, maybe some humor will?
Here it goes: GOD
and LAWN CARE GOD to ST. FRANCIS: Frank, ... You know all about
gardens and nature. What in the world is going on
down there on the planet? What happened
to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff
I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden
plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and
flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers
'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass. Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not
colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees;
only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there? Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains
to grow it and keep it green. They begin each
spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn. The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast. That must make the
Suburbanites happy. ST FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week. They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in bags. They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so
it
will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off
and
pay to throw it away? Yes, Sir. These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
when
we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay
more
money to water it, so they can continue to mow
it
and pay to get rid of it. What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That
was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The
trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
and
shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to
the
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture
in
the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a
natural
cycle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn
a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they
rake
them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree
roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something
which they call mulch. They haul it home
and
spread it around in place of the leaves. And where do they get this mulch? They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie
have
you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about.... Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story
ARE WE HAVING FUN YET? |